Old Guard Misdemeanour

George BAndy


Self-Portrait Being Duplicated into Three (1926), Salvador Dali


With their public position as it is, it is not hard to imagine that the Royal Family have been involved in their fair share of conspiracy theories. From the outright insane (read the British monarchs being big extraterrestrial lizards hidden in human form, also referred to as the Reptilian Elite), to older and more established conspiracy theories, like the potential criminal plot behind the death of Princess Diana, alongside her partner Dodi Fayed. The latter of which was not just jumbled together in internet chat-rooms, but was continuously argued in the investigation by, among others, Mohamed Al-Fayed, the father of Dodi, and notable owner of Hôtel Ritz Paris and formerly of the Harrods Department Store and Fulham F.C. What was never clear however, was the motive who and why would someone want to take out the people’s princess. The Royal Family itself concluded that it was an unfortunate accident, not surprising at they were often pointed to as the “organisers” of the crash.

Whilst many theories provide not much more than a brief indulge in imagination before being dismissed, we may be entering into a time when conspiracy theories start gaining more traction. Not to the extent that we will be ousting individuals as lizards, but that people and institutions will more frequently become apparent as cogs in a darker scheme. The idea of elite circles colluding in secret is no new story. Tax evasion, illicit sex rings, and political interference are some of the most common to be associated with the top of society. The Panama papers was one of the biggest scandals to break over the last decade, uncovering one of the largest networks of tax fraud currently known. The papers indicted an incredible number of high-level figures as beneficiaries of the off-shore accounts from Jackie Chan and Lionel Messi, to Berlusconi and Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, King of Saudi Arabia. 

Whilst tax fraud is not as secretive and preposterous as many of the other wilder and intriguing conspiracy theories that exist, the scale of scandals like this give a glimpse into the possible secretive systems employed by the elite. Whether it is to hold on to money, or power, or most likely both, all manners of systems could be concocted.


“Whether it is to hold on to money, or power, or most likely both, all manners of systems could be concocted.”

There must be something that can’t be shaken or corrupted. The Crown perhaps, that unabating and unceasing institution, which has escaped much of the political turmoil over the past years without much of a scratch. There’s something about it that remains above politics, above the fights and flurries of common life.

These past months have seen Prince Andrew fall from grace following his apparent friendship with convicted pedophile Jeffery Epstein, who reportedly committed suicide in his cell last year, and his relationship with a 15 year old he claimed never to have met. Absurdly, his alibi was that he was enjoying a night with the family that evening at a Pizza Express in Woking. Such a scandal could have been kept under wraps by the House of Windsor for many years, and it is not clear yet whether the root of it has been fully uncovered.


The death of Epstein itself has fuelled many conspiracy theories, most of which conclude that he was killed because of what he knew about many powerful people. Epstein’s insight would likely have been a treasure trove for any law enforcement agency or conspiracy theorist. He had on occasion, sometimes almost boastfully, talked about what he had witnessed over the years, mostly about all the sex and drugs, and all the well known (though keeping them unnamed) figures involved.


“It is the dark underbelly of the world hanging out with our nice clean crown.”

The Royal’s involvement with such unsavoury figures does not stop at Epstein and Prince Andrew. That is only where the media appears to keep its attention. The story may have almost seemed like déjà vu to Prince Charles, who from 1992 onwards was involved in the lobbying for the exoneration of the now disgraced Bishop Peter Ball. In 2006 he even gave Ball a cottage on his estate. As a result of the lobbying, Ball was only initially given a police caution and allowed to continue his priestly practices along with preaching in public schools. After further investigation and more victims coming forward, he was finally convicted in 2012 for multiple instances of serious sexual abuse. It is not the only example either. Another example is case of Jimmy Saville, who Prince Charles had initially wanted to be Prince Harry’s godfather. It ventures into the realms of utter ridiculousness when you consider how such people were so close… how Charles was either oblivious to everything or didn’t want to look. Much the same for Prince Andrew. It does not take a genius to suggest that Princes should not be conversing with sex offenders. It is the dark underbelly of the world hanging out with our nice clean crown.

Say there was someone who knew what was going on, and who could no longer be watched over? The Royal inner circle is not one that is entered, or left for that matter, very easily. The case of Harry and Meghan at the moment is taking so much attention as this is something that just does not really happen. The last time it did was Princess Diana…

It is not as if any evidence of fowl play was absent. An unofficial statement came at the time from the two young princes. Tearfully, the newly motherless William and Harry claimed it was the press that brought Diana to her end. Not only metaphorically with the relentless bombardment of photographers that Diana constantly endured, but more directly pointing to the press motorbikes that hounded the car moments before it swerved off the road and crashed. Still now the wounds show on the princes, in particular Harry as he currently fights against the attention of the press, saying only a few months ago that ‘I will not be bullied into playing a game that killed my Mum’.

The media would be the perfect cover – an easy alibi for such blatant harassment. A media notably controlled in large at the time by Robert Maxwell, friend to Prince Andrew, and father of the girlfriend and accomplice to Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell. Robert himself was found dead a few years after, having “fallen” overboard from his yacht and drowned. Mysterious deaths seem to be ripe in such friend groups.

Whilst this may now only be spinning threads, there is a very intricate web connecting all of these people. Epstein was not only boasting when he talks of all the people he knew, his reach appears to spread to every corner and crevice of the elite world. It is a world that appears to protect its own turning a blind eye to dark acts occurring and all feeling safe in the knowledge that to expose one would be to expose everything, and no one wants that. What other unsavoury individuals the House of Windsor may be fraternising with is left open for discussion.

The whole ordeal has again shown, amongst other things, that not even the sanctity of the Crown can avoid tarnish. While it is unlikely that the Royal family will soon be exposed as a group of extraterrestrial lizards, we may find out that they might not be much better.

First published February 2020. Volume 15, Issue 2. Full print title – A Remarkable Royal Shedding. The Royal Conspiracy: Old Guard Misdemeanour